Easy Livin.: A bit personal

"Our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world as being able to remake ourselves." -Gandhi

This past weekend/week has been an interesting one. I find myself doing a lot of reflecting and soul searching and self analysis (oh, fabulous). Friday I left work all excited for the weekend. We had President's Day off, so it was three days of whatever I wanted. Back in NC I would leave work, probably go have a family dinner, go out with friends, let my hair down, and have some fun; but this particular Friday it hit me in the face that I don't have that here. My Friday's usually consist of me coming home, eating a little something, going to the gym, coming home to shower and then watching a movie in bed. I've been totally content with being alone, but Friday it hit me a little more than I wanted it to. Coming out here, I prepared myself for this. I expected this. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt any less or make me homesick. This was the first weekend I felt a little homesick. Saturday I got called into work at REI, which was fine because my throat was sore as hell (damn you flu/cold season!). Sunday I refused to sit around and feel sorry for myself. I decided to suck it up and get back on my bike. I miss my bike. I miss my rides with my friends. Ultimately, I miss the roads at Jordan Lake. I intended to get in a good 50 miles, but after 30 miles on the bike trails I got frustrated with them and lost with their round-about ways. I don't like these damn bike paths. They are just wide sidewalks where I have to avoid running over runners, roller bladers, homeless people, and pigeons/geese/seagulls (are you lost?). Not to mention, the trails seem to go through not the prettiest of places, more like run down industrial areas where everything is graffitied over. I realize I had it good in Apex with the open, country roads.

I've had some of the best moments and the worst moments of my life on my bike. I've experienced extreme joy and extreme pain, physical exhaustion, and emotional exhaustion, and some of the most mentally demanding times on my bike. It's funny what endurance exercise can do and what you can learn about yourself. Spend 7 hours on the saddle and you will find yourself at a high at mile 25, a feeling of exhaustion and hopelessness at mile 50, and then 25 miles later you're on the top of the world again. You will find more self-reliance and intrinsic motivation in those moments then anywhere else. I miss that. I miss heading out of the brewery with the team nervous with anticipation about how this ride was going to be. How would my body react today? Would I drag? Would I pull the paceline for a ridiculously awesome fast-paced pull? But there were also times when I just loved hanging out, feeling my legs work, feeling my muscles stretch and contract, feeling the wind on my face and the sun on my shoulders, and watching the fields pass by me. I would finish a 50 mile ride and think "I did that. My legs took me that far.". It's an awesome feeling and it's the addiction that keeps me wanting more and more. The other nice thing about biking, is it gave me a little boost of confidence. Those that know me know how I am with body image. While I am not harsh on others, I am harsh on myself, and not the most confident person in my own skin. I've tried for years. I've worked out for years, lifting, eating right, cardiocardiocardio. But biking showed me something else. I was doing all of these rides, all of the miles, and I was doing it on my own. Who cares what I look like, I was doing awesome stuff! I started to feel a little more accepting of myself. This was me, I was biking over 100 miles a week and having a blast, and this was me.

So here I am 6 months after getting hit by the car and I've lost every lesson I tried to hold on to. For three months I couldn't work out and it killed me. It wore me down and depressed me. I thought "omigah, I'm gonna become a fat cow and lose it all". But I didn't. I did lose some fitness that I have to work back up to, but I know with time I'll be back. Yet here I am taking so much for granted, right on cue. Sometimes while I run at the gym I'll go back to August 12: I'll take my bike out of my hotel room, I'll be excited to be in CO on my own, I'll be excited to check out this new bike trail, I'll bike down the road, and I'll get hit by that car. I'll remember laying in the road confused. I'll remember seeing people running to me and carrying me to the side of the road because I don't want to move. I remember these things and it drives me physically to run faster, run harder, push myself physically. But what I forget to remember, is that I'm here and that it doesn't f-ing matter what I look like or how big my legs are or how much fat I think I do or don't have, because I am here. I remember getting home and my grandma saying how she was thanking the heavens for letting her granddaughter live. I thought she was being the most dramatic thing ever, but I'm starting to realize that maybe she wasn't. Maybe I need to understand that I am damn lucky. I am damn lucky to be up walking down the street, to be riding my bike again, to be seeing my family and seeing all the things I'm seeing. When you think of it like that, it's kinda ridiculous to even think of body image, isn't it? I thought after the accident I had my priorities straightened out, but it seems over time they've gone back to what they were before. But I'm determined to remake myself. I've started to see that on my deathbed I don't want to think "Well, I've spent many hour in that gym.....woot." No, I want to think "I've biked through the most beautiful fields, and hiked over the most amazing mountains, and ice climbed freaking frozen waterfalls, and rock climbed in awesome canyons...". Basically, friends, I want to live a badass life. I want to DO things. And I think the whole body thing will just not matter because I'll be too busy being a BAMF (new acronym for dad: Bad Ass Mother F-er). And with that, folks, I step off my soap box. Maybe I'm getting a little too personal with this blog, but, oh well...